I can not believe what a roller coaster I've been on over the past several days. I've gone from angry at God and blaming Him for all my shortcomings, having complete sobbing meltdowns, doubting my ability to parent, feeling like I don't deserve another child, questioning whether I have any faith at all, being shattered into a zillion tiny pieces (most of this happened Saturday and Sunday morning!) to a place of peace and joy. Which leads me to wonder if I'm a complete psychopath!!
Well, blessed be the name of the Lord for He has spoken into my life through a wonderful ministry time at a friends house yesterday afternoon. God reminded me that when I was suffering, he was there. He encouraged me to continue praying and not to give up - which is exactly where I was... about to give up. Jesus picked up every last one of the zillion pieces scattered about and held them in His hands as He lovingly put them back together - and then He blessed them. He encouraged my marriage, gave me permission to rest and reminded me to trust. And there was so much more that I'm still processing. How miraculous and glorious is our God. I stand in awe.
This morning a bittersweet joy arrived with the start of my period. It's so odd to feel joyous when my period finally comes after each miscarriage - it's a sign that my body has healed and I get a fresh start when any other period just means that I'm not pregnant. So 7 to 10 days from now I will undergo the infamously invasive and horrifying dye test... no matter how invasive or how horrifying the test might be I'm grateful to be having it. And I'm choosing to go into it knowing that God gave me lemons and I'm going to make lemonade!!
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